A phone call I am on the verge of making

Good morning, Ashley!

I don't know... 6:30? Too early? Sorry! I'll make it quick, OK Ash?

May I call you Ash? I feel we know each other personally, if only through our several mutual acquaintances. These are recent acquaintances of mine to be sure, and some less pleasant than others, frankly. You may know this already, as they are people who have been urgently wanting to talk to you for several days now, and some of them may have succeeded. You know what they say about monkeys, typewriters, and Shakespeare...

...well nevermind, it isn't important.

Anyway, Happy Birthday! ...oh, just a hunch. Sweet Sixteen, am I right? ... no, I wasn't at your party. ...no, I am NOT your Dad's new girlfriend! What? ...fine, I won't mention it, but I don't know your Mom either, so it's not likely to come up. ...no, not your teacher, either. Patience, dear, I'm coming to it.

So how do you like the new cell phone? ...mm hmm... yes. Oh, I am glad. The shiz. Yes, they are.

Say Ash, what's your number? I know I called you, but humor me...

...right, thanks. So that number, when dialed, makes YOUR phone ring.

...what, now? No, I don't know the Beyonce tune. Mine rings like a choo choo train, but only because I haven't downloaded the Star Wars theme yet... what? Look, I don't care how lame you think it is. That's not why I called.

Why I called is because my phone number is just one wee digit different from yours. I know, right? But you can check when we hang up, just look at your received calls list.

...actually no, it's not that weird. Unfortunate, yes, but not weird. Think of it as kind of neighbor-like. And since you're the one who just moved in -- I have had this number since you were in kindergarten, Ash -- I bid you fair welcome...

...no problem...

...and also fair warning. Because listen up, kid: I'm giving you til this weekend to give your various pals your correct number, before I start seriously fucking with their heads. OK?

OK.

Buh-bye.