Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Things That Make Me Cringe Like a Vampire Before a Crucifix

The Sound of Music

The sight of two metal forks with their tines stuck together (Yep, that's odd. Who knows why, but I can't stand it. Plastic forks are no problem, but metal? makes me whimper.)

The department store women who lunge forward to spray perfume at potentially unsuspecting shoppers as we try to walk by.

Kenny G.

That poster of a kitten clinging to a branch, with the caption "Hang In There!" Ditto the one of a puppy in a basket next to a bunch of flowers, captioned "A Hug Would Make My Day."

Those freakishly smiling kids on Barney (I have seen this show a total of: once. It is nightmare fodder.)

The phrase "keep your eyes peeled."

Laura Ingraham's voice (don't know her? Cut some aluminum siding with a band saw in an enclosed space. Same effect, without the tiresome politics.)


Motivational/inspirational posters displayed without irony. I'm always caught off guard when I see this actually happens. Fortunately there is an antidote for this one.


  1. Hahahaha! Clowns! There is a couple in town (and my down is veeeeerrrrry small) who hire out as clowns for parties and such. I just about died the first time I saw them all dressed up in their clown regalia, driving their minivan through town. It was so surreal. They weren't even smiling...unless you count the painted on smiles. Clowns are a little freakish, tho...And Kenny G! Who doesn't cringe at the mere mention of his name. Although, he's very very popular in China.

  2. Not to mention the mall hounds who want you to try this very special anti-wrinkle cream. Hey, are you saying I'm old?

  3. Yes.

    The Cape Cod Mall has a kiosk staffed by people who want to "look at your hands." I schlep by with shopping bags and daughters, and they ask with a straight face if they can "look at my hands for a minute."

    Um, no, you can't. I only have two of them, see, and anyone... maybe even you!... can tell they are full.